My Sexual Reawakening at 56: Part 2
I learnt incredible things about sex and my own sexuality, what my body likes and needs, and how to be with a man again
By Lizzie
In my urgent all-consuming quest to get myself laid for the first time in 11 years, I considered several options and eventually decided to hire a male escort. I imagined I’d see him perhaps monthly until the novelty wore off (or, quite frankly, my money ran out!) and then I’d be sorted. Simple.
Friends attempted to reassure me about my anxiety and lack of confidence and said to me, oh, you’ll be fine, it’s just like riding a bike! All I needed was a nice young man (why not tick a fantasy box at the same time, eh?), with some kindness and patience (and of course confidence and competence himself) and I’d be fine. Just fine. Just like riding a bike, right?
Wrong.
A shock to the system
My first experience with my carefully chosen male escort was an overwhelming combination of anxiety, bewilderment and pleasure… and yes, I got myself laid. Suffice to say, it was a shock to the system, both physically and emotionally. I was anxious about my naked body, I was anxious about intimate touch, I was anxious whether my body would work, I was anxious about pain. I was bewildered when he didn’t ‘just do stuff to me’. I was bewildered by having to ask for what I wanted. I was bewildered by my own lack of response. I was bewildered by just how difficult and stressful I found the whole experience.
Fortunately, he knew what to do, and it wasn’t ‘just doing stuff to me’.
As my anxiety built and built, I found myself incapable of either speech or movement. I was totally frozen. I have never felt so exposed nor more vulnerable. I just lay there like a plank of wood, terrified and hopeful in equal measure, waiting for something to happen… Fortunately, he knew what to do, and it wasn’t ‘just doing stuff to me’. We talked, we cuddled, we laughed, we stroked ‘safe’ bits of our bodies… until I relaxed.
I soon found pleasure just from his warmth next to me, the sound of his voice, the feel of his heart beating under my hand. I found comfort and trust in his calmness and patience… I eventually mustered sufficient courage to ask for something and he responded with a slowness and gentleness that was just right for me. And then there was the pleasure of an orgasm and a delightfully gentle fucking.
So, job done, right?
Wrong again.
A journey of discovery
My male escort morphed seamlessly into my intimacy and sexuality coach, and over 6 months he helped me to transform my life.
I could never have anticipated what happened next. It became a wonderful odyssey of self-discovery, healing, exploration, learning, pleasure, personal growth and a blossoming of my sexuality.
My male escort morphed seamlessly into my intimacy and sexuality coach, and over 6 months he helped me to transform my life.
I learnt incredible things about sex and my own sexuality: the anatomy and emotion of arousal; responsive vs spontaneous desire; ways of building intimacy; mindful approaches and conscious touch; all about context, accelerators and brakes; differences between what works in fantasy and what works in real life; how my menopause has affected me; what my body likes and needs now; how to be with a man again and enjoy a two-way consensual relationship. There were many rediscovered and wonderful new experiences as I built my confidence and skills. I learnt incredible things about myself and grew as a person. I learnt a whole new way to relate to my body and a whole new way to enjoy my pleasure and sexuality.
Overcoming the barriers
It took an incredible leap of faith and incredible courage to take the first step. Am I allowed to say I’m proud of myself? The anxiety and bewilderment of that first encounter was definitely worth it, because it led to this. A truly empowering experience.
I’ve overcome many ‘hangups’ and conquered many fears.
It took a while, but eventually I worked out what revs my accelerator and what puts the brakes on… and bingo!
I had huge ‘wobbles’ about my body and a fear of rejection because of the bits of it I loathed. I doubted I was even allowed to wear nice underwear. We gently and sensitively worked through these situations, with humour and compassion. I learnt to honour my body, through better self-care, pampering and solo play. And as for nice underwear, I now have a drawer full of it. I wear it because it makes me feel good. I wear it just for me, and also when it’s possible I might experience the delights of having it removed!
I was shocked to discover that my body struggled with arousal and my orgasm was often elusive with him, where it wasn’t on my own. I thought my menopause was the main culprit, but learning about context, accelerators and brakes helped me to uncover the truth. Context is everything and my emotional state was the biggest factor. The slightest hint of being emotionally off-balance put the brakes on. It took a while, but eventually I worked out what revs my accelerator and what puts the brakes on… and bingo!
I learnt to be in the moment, free from expectation and distractions, just going with the flow to enjoy touch and sensations, and sensuality and eroticism… with no goal. Some of the most erotic things I experienced were from simple, unexpected moments of connection and intimacy, though not necessarily directly sexual, and it was different every time. Life-changing discoveries.
Asking for what I want
The thing I found hardest to overcome was extreme, often paralysing anxiety about asking for what I wanted. Naming parts of my body I wished to be touched and how… The toxic shame instilled in childhood would flare up and put a dampener on everything.
I eventually became comfortable to say what I wanted or to initiate things from the off, but the midway course corrections, where I needed to communicate the nuance of precise touch, was much more of a challenge. A deeply-embedded trauma response meant I feared a backlash about asking for something different. I was eventually able to, but it was my biggest struggle and continues to be so even now. My solution to that is to keep practising!
Exploring erotic massage
When the time came to end with my coach, I knew I needed to continue my journey. I was aware that I’d lose my confidence if I didn’t carry on somehow. I had to get naked in front of another man asap; and I had to keep asking for what I wanted.
I’ve discovered a kinky side I didn’t know existed and have much more to explore. I am even considering attending a ‘conscious touch party’
While I worked out how to get my hands on a man whom I didn’t have to pay – still a work in progress - I decided to try out erotic massage. This has proved to be a great way to continue my journey. I get naked and am completely comfortable being naked. I ask for something every time I go, and even the mid-way course corrections are getting easier. I have several, sometimes multi orgasms on most occasions. Things have progressed somewhat ‘off-piste’ and these days it’s less about massage and more about two people enjoying each other in the moment. I’ve discovered a kinky side I didn’t know existed and have much more to explore. I am even considering attending a ‘conscious touch party’… yes, with other naked people massaging each other…
Huge strides forward
As I write this, I can hardly believe my own progress. I barely recognise the women I was only 12 months ago. I’m now the woman I’m supposed to be.
I’d say I’ve pretty much recovered completely from PTSD. I’m sometimes still anxious, and still occasionally afflicted by a dose of self-loathing about my body, but I now have tools to work through it. I’m much more confident in my sexuality too: I know what works, what I need, how to ask for it, and how to put boundaries in.
So… an unexpected sexual reawakening at the age of 56 yielded a truly transformational and joyful journey. I’m still on that journey and it doesn’t have a destination. Who knows where it will take me? I look forward to finding out.
Meanwhile, I continue to be in the moment, find pleasure in simple things, and live my life a happier, more empowered and sexually confident version of myself.
