Formative Experiences: Part 2
Finding joy and sincerity through communication
By Sophie
The following spring I had the occasion to be in London again, but neither partner was able to meet me during that time. I reached out to a man I'd been chatting with but hadn't originally intended to pursue. He didn't have the easy confidence of my other partners.
Over lunch I could see him trying to suss what sort of woman I was and what I might be expecting from him, and I surprised myself by taking the lead. I told him I wanted him to feel comfortable being himself, because I'd much rather connect with a real person instead of who he thought I wanted him to be.
I had no grand expectations and orgasms were not my goal - I just wanted a safe space in which we could relax, play around, and not worry about any awkwardness. When he realised I was serious our dynamic changed. We were so very kind to each other, which turned out to be what we both really needed after a difficult winter. He brought us drinks from the hotel bar and we laid on the bed cuddling and telling each other stories about ourselves.
Slowly moving into long kisses and caresses, eventually into eager fucking. When he'd finished he grabbed my sex toy (I'd finally gotten one of my own) and I began to use it on myself. As I did, he held me in his arms and gazed lovingly in my eyes until I came. The gentle sincerity of our encounter had us glowing for days, texting our mutual gratitude afterwards for making each other feel joy.
Rewarding sexual experiences and exploration
London was too far for regular visits, so I made sure my fourth partner was local. He seemed shy yet keen, but our first sexual encounter left me confused and a bit concerned. Neither of us came, and he was more passive and reserved than I'd come to expect from my encounters. I wanted to be sure of enthusiastic consent, so I reached for his thoughts by treating him the same way I'd been treated at the start of my sexual journey - with gentle affirmation and open communication.
I realised to my delight that not only had I found a fellow demisexual, but that we'd been given a rare and wonderful opportunity.
When he realised I was a safe space he told me he'd started his sex journey later in life, finding a few casual partners to show him the basics, but didn't seem to enjoy sex as much without an emotional connection first. He had quietly assumed his lack of finesse would be off-putting and that I'd move on afterwards.
We were both older adults with a second chance to have the awkward teenage romance we'd missed out on - that equally curious and inexperienced partner to safely explore with. I told him this, and he beamed with delight at the suggestion. We happily planned our next meeting - "Have you ever tried a 69? I've always wanted to try one!" I've been so fortunate. My experiences happened with the right people in the right order, allowing me to develop into the confident, compassionate sexual being I wanted to become. From being the one in need of care and communication I became someone able to offer it.
I learned that each sexual encounter could be wildly different, and by not expecting things to conform to certain expectations I was able to discover, enjoy, and grow from the uniqueness each had to offer. Expectations can only at best be met, while having none leaves one forever open to surprise.
I plan to continue to leave myself open to the unexpected while offering sexual sincerity in return as my greatest asset.
