Taking a Non-Goal-Oriented Approach to Sex and Intimacy
To Improve Your Sex Life and Strengthen Connection
"Let go of the idea of sex as a goal-oriented activity and embrace it as an opportunity for exploration and intimacy."
-Emily Morse
Taking a non-goal-oriented approach to sex and intimacy offers a refreshing alternative that prioritises pleasure and connection over always striving to achieve orgasm. This approach presents the opportunity for making new discoveries and can profoundly enhance your experience of pleasure.
In this article, we will delve into what it means to take a non-goal-oriented approach to sex and intimacy, what the benefits are, and explore some practical advice for how you might take this approach in your own sex life.
The Importance of Being Present
Even though few women orgasm from penetration alone (Less than 1 in 5), the traditional model of ‘how to have sex’ focuses on penetration and or orgasm as the pinnacle of sexual experiences. This can create performance anxiety, or at the very least a distraction that keeps the mind fixated on the future rather than in the present moment. Only by focusing on the here and now can we be fully present, pay attention, and explore with freedom from expectation.
Being fully present in any circumstance is about bringing your full awareness to your senses, and in doing so connecting with the experience. You might be amazed at what you notice, and what you discover when you shift your attention from an ‘end goal’. Importantly, this doesn’t just related to your partnered experiences, as the same ethos applies to your experience of solo pleasure, which also has the added benefit of alleviating the kinds pressure that can be associated with partnered sex, leaving you free to explore.
Key Benefits of Taking Expectation Off the Table
There can be many benefits of taking expectation out of the equation, one of which, as we’e discussed, is managing performance anxiety. Performance anxiety arises when there is a conscious or subconscious fixation on a specific desired outcome. For example, you may have anxiety around intimacy because you feel it is suppose to lead to penetration, and you have limiting beliefs that mislead you into thinking you’re not good in bed. Performance anxiety and limiting beliefs are two common barriers to sexual fulfilment for women, and learning to be present in your body (and not your head) and with your senses is one of the keys to overcoming them.
Shifting your focus away from striving for a specific outcome can enhance intimacy and strengthen your connection with your partner. One of the ways you can do this is to focus on exploring each other with with a boundary around penetration and orgasm, putting the emphasis on getting through exploration, sharing about your desires and fantasies, and experimenting with new kinds of touch. This creates a rich space for connection with your partner and and can strengthen your overall relationship.
Another benefits is the wisdom you gain about your body and your pleasure along the way. This new knowledge expands your pleasure repertoire, builds your skill and confidence, and and can greatly enhance your sex life.
The Possibilities of a Non-Goal Oriented Approach
I want to clarify here that the purpose of this article is not demonise ever having a specific desire for a specific outcome, but more of an invitation to explore other possibilities. I believe to truly liberate yourself and enhance your relationship with pleasure, it’s crucial to explore alternatives to the classic model that centres penetration and orgasm as the template for what pleasure is ‘suppose’ to look (and feel) like.
When it comes to unlocking your pleasure potential, there really is no comparison to slowing down, taking your time and bringing your full awareness to your senses. At Pleasure Map, I work with women who are looking to connect or reconnect with their bodies and their sexuality, or who may be looking to experience penetration or orgasm for the first time. This is one of the reasons Pleasure Map exists, but for many of the women I have worked with so far, creating this kind of space has proven to be where the healing, the growth, and the empowerment lies.
The irony is, for those that experience challenges around penetration and orgasm, such as vaginismus (a tightening of the vagina that makes penetration painful or impossible) or anorgasmia (the inability to orgasm), removing these two goals from the equation helps to create the safe space necessary to mediate relaxation, and as a result makes the likelihood that penetration or orgasm will be possible.
The subheading of Sheri Winston’s book Women’s Anatomy of Arousal is Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure, and this couldn’t be more fitting. Your body is a treasure trove of hidden pleasure waiting to be discovered, and you may be surprised (and delighted) at what you find if you set your expectations aside and explore with curiosity, openness and presence of mind.
Conclusion
Taking a non-goal-oriented approach to sex and intimacy offers alternative ways to experience pleasure that are centred on being present and in your body. The space that this carves out allows for new discoveries to be made, a deeper and richer understanding of your own and your partners desires, and a stronger connection within your relationship. For those that experience anxiety or other challenges related to sex and intimacy, the removal of expectation permits the freedom to be with your experiences and can instil a sense of safety that is essential, for both the enjoyment of pleasure and deeper healing.