Conquering Sexual Anxiety
Solo Play and Self-Exploration Techniques
“It’s hard to experience desire when you’re weighted down by concern.”
-Esther Perel
Sexual anxiety, or sexual performance anxiety, is the fear or worry related to sexual activity, and can manifest as a result of a negative past experience, performance expectations, concerns about body image, and many other factors. Naturally, this creates a barrier to sexual fulfilment and can even impact your overall well-being.
Solo play, or self-exploration, pertains to engaging in sensual experiences independently, allowing you to connect with your body, thoughts, and emotions in a safe, nurturing environment. By nurturing a positive relationship with your body and sexuality, you can overcome the barriers that sexual anxiety can impose.
There is a lot of stigma when it comes to intimacy and sexuality, and this stigma is primarily centred on women. There are expectations about how you’re supposed to behave, how you should look, how you should feel about yourself, and even how you’re ‘supposed’ to experience pleasure. Solo play and self-exploration is one of the ways in which you can take back control of the narrative, shifting the focus to YOU, YOUR needs, YOUR desires, and how YOU want to feel. It’s a step towards reclaiming ownership over your pleasure and your body, and the deeper self-awareness and increased confidence that often results can be allies in tackling sex and intimacy related anxiety issues.
This article will delve into the potential benefits of solo play, including how it can help in overcoming sexual anxiety, recognising your authentic desires, and fostering a more positive perception of yourself. We will also discuss practical tips for implementing solo play as a tool for self-exploration and personal growth, unveiling powerful techniques to enhance your well-being and unlock greater satisfaction in your intimate and sexual experiences.
The Benefits of Solo Play for Overcoming Sexual Anxiety
Engaging in solo play and self-exploration offers a multitude of benefits for overcoming sexual anxiety and fostering a healthier relationship with your sexuality. Some of the key benefits include:
1. Building self-confidence
By taking time to appreciate and understand your body and desires, you can develop more confidence in your sexuality, enabling you to feel more relaxed in intimate situations.
2. Enhancing self-awareness
Solo play allows you to gain a deeper understanding of your preferences, desires, and boundaries, which can all contribute to more fulfilling experiences rooted in authenticity.
3. Reducing performance anxiety
Through self-exploration, you can shift the narrative to being about what you enjoy doing rather than what external forces lead you to believe you SHOULD do or SHOULD enjoy, reducing performance-related anxiety in sexual encounters.
4. Cultivating Mindfulness
You will read me talk about this in other articles, and I assure you it won’t be the last time, as taking a mindful approach to sex is one of the best tools at your disposal!
Focusing on the present moment during solo play is a really good opportunity to practice focusing on the here and now, so that when anxiety or distraction creeps in during intimacy and sexual encounters, you have the tools to help you relax and bring your attention back to the present moment.
Techniques for Embracing Solo Play as a Tool for Self-Exploration
To fully benefit from self-exploration it's useful to approach with an open and curious mindset, to allow yourself to explore your body and desires without judgment or expectation. You might, however, choose to set an intention before you begin (see my Enhancing Intimacy Through Mindfulness blog).
Here are a few techniques to help you utilise solo play for self-discovery and personal growth:
1. Create a comfortable environment
Set the scene for a relaxing and enjoyable experience by paying attention to factors like lighting, temperature, and privacy.
2. Bring in the senses
Introduce elements that stimulate your senses during solo play, such as incorporating aromatherapy, soft fabrics, or soothing music. Exploring various sensory experiences can add an extra dimension to your experience of pleasure.
3. Experiment with touch
Discover new ways to touch and pleasure yourself by experimenting with different types of touch, varying the pressure, or even incorporating sex toys. Allow yourself the freedom to explore without judgment, expectation or being goal-oriented toward orgasm.
4. Monitor your thoughts and emotions
Pay attention to your thoughts and emotions during solo play. Acknowledge any thoughts, feelings or distractions without judgment as they arise, take a deep breath and bring your focus back to your senses. Remember you can stop at any point if you feel overwhelmed.
As we have seen, adopting a holistic approach to sexual satisfaction that incorporates emotional intelligence can open up new horizons in our pursuit of sexual fulfilment. By developing self-awareness, empathy, emotional regulation, and relationship management skills, individuals and couples can create a healthy and supportive atmosphere in which sexual desires and fantasies can thrive.
Working closely with a hands-on, empathetic coach who understands the complexities of sexual fulfilment can be an invaluable resource in improving emotional intelligence. With tailored guidance and support, individuals can tackle limiting beliefs, explore uncharted emotional territory, and work on fostering a stronger connection with themselves and their partners.
Developing Mindfulness and Positive Sexuality through Solo Play
Developing mindfulness and a positive outlook on your sexuality and body are pretty unparalleled when it comes to overcoming sexual anxiety and unlocking more fulfilling experiences. Solo play serves as the perfect opportunity to practice cultivating mindfulness and edge closer to developing a healthy attitude towards sex.
Consider the following approaches for incorporating mindfulness and fostering positive sexuality through solo play:
1. Focus on the present moment
Acknowledge any intrusive thoughts or anxieties that may arise during self-exploration and gently bring your focus back to the present moment and your sensations.
2. Encourage self-compassion
Work on recognising and challenging negative self-talk and limiting beliefs surrounding your body, desires, or sexuality, replacing them with more positive and supportive thought patterns.
3. Practice relaxation techniques
Engage in activities like breath work, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation to enhance your mental and physical relaxation during solo play.
4. Reflect on your experiences
Take time after your solo play sessions to contemplate your experience, noting any new insights or discoveries, and make a note of your thoughts, feelings, and ideas for what you might like to try next. Reflecting in this way can contribute to a more profound understanding of your sexuality and support growth and personal development.
Setting Boundaries and Honouring Consent During Solo Play
While engaging in solo play, it’s crucial to remember the importance of boundaries and consent, even just with yourself. Your solo play is the ideal opportunity to explore, understand your desires and limits, and practice setting boundaries in a safe environment.
Consider the following tips when setting boundaries and practicing consent during solo play:
1. Acknowledge your limitations
Understand your comfort zones, desires, and any boundaries you may have. Respect your unique limits during self-exploration, regardless of societal pressures or expectations on how you are ‘supposed’ to experience pleasure.
2. Give yourself permission
Allow yourself the space to explore your desires without external pressures. Embrace your authentic desires and give yourself permission to engage in activities that bring you pleasure. Giving yourself permission is another step towards reclaiming agency over your pleasure.
3. Communicate openly with yourself
Be honest with yourself about your feelings and emotions during solo play, acknowledging any discomfort or concerns as they arise. You may find it useful to speak these out loud in third person, addressing yourself as ‘you’ or by your name.
4. Remember your intention
Pay attention to your arousal. Your intention may be that you want to abstain from orgasm for 20 minutes, but as your arousal builds so does the temptation to ignore it. This is a great opportunity to practice honouring the boundary you set yourself.
Conclusion
Engaging in solo play and self-exploration provides the ideal opportunity to begin working towards overcoming sexual anxiety and developing a more open, confident, and positive relationship with your sexuality. By embracing the techniques outlined in this article, you can unlock a deeper understanding of your desires, nurture personal growth, and cultivate more fulfilling and enjoyable sex.