Formative Experiences: Part 1
I'd observed that people fell into patterns based on their sexual history - those who'd been mistreated expected to be again, and those who'd been humiliated by a power imbalance would push to establish the upper hand. But those who’d had good early experiences exuded sexual positivity - they were confident, communicative, and enthusiastic.
I wanted to protect my formative sexual experiences and thus the direction of my developing sexuality. Beginning my journey with escorts was an important part of that. In my conservative religious upbringing men had always had the advantage - they fuck while we get fucked, they score and we lose something. In order to not feel used I needed to feel some measure of control. Sex as a business transaction felt mentally safe - you can't be used when you're the client paying for a service.
Discovering escorts
I'd been treated with great caution and care my entire life, and as a celibate 43 year old woman I was suddenly sick to death of it.
My introduction to sex with my first escort was more academic than passionate, but I needed it to be. As a highly anxious person I knew genuine pleasure required a level of mental relaxation I couldn't yet achieve. My initial focus was on finding confidence and comfort in being naked with another person. An awareness of hidden roadblocks came along the way; discovering I was hesitant to touch because I'd internalised the expression of lust as degrading a person, rather than it being (in the right context) a highly sought form of validation. But I also became aware of something else.
Despite my limited ability to express what I needed, my second escort managed to suss enough. He asked me to trust his lead but remember that at all times I was the one in control. He then roughed me up in a way worthy of the movies. Everything happening so fast my mind simply couldn't keep up. It was like being in a car crash - you're suddenly aware something crazy is happening, but it takes you a few seconds to realise it's actually happening to you.
It was the first time in my life I'd ever been fucked and realised there was a difference. But I never would've been able to submit to that controlled demolition without the gentle, mindful preparation I'd been given previously.
Understanding the need for connection
After my two safe but uniquely different escort experiences, I felt more ready to try for a mutual play partner. I joined a female-moderated sex app which provided a measure of safety, but I struggled to know how to respond to the variety of advances. Men were left confused about how to approach me and I myself didn't really know how to guide them. I was also solicited by couples, who would often attempt to bargain in response to my polite no's - "Just play with yourself while we watch."
Eventually I realised I was craving something everyone else had already experienced long ago - that first awkward equally inexperienced sex partner to playfully and joyfully explore with. My age group had moved on and the game had changed - it was now about exploring the unusual or proclaiming perfection of technique. I had no sexual finesse to offer, and I didn't want my sexuality to develop around feeling like a couple's sex toy or a stranger's fetish.
Eventually one man, after I didn't respond as expected to usual methods, dropped the game long enough to help me unpick what was going on in my head. What sort of interactions had I had so far, and how did they make me feel? How and why did I react to different types of sexual suggestion and imagery? Over time we realised I was likely demisexual and that feeling a genuine connection was essential to my arousal.
When I told him I didn't really know what I was doing, he replied "Yes, but you mean everything you do."
He changed his methods and our chat became a mix of sensuality and sincerity - gentle flirting around stories about his life. After two months the tease and familiarity of our chatter had me dizzy with desire. We spent a long weekend together in London, intimacy delivered in both sexual exploration and long walks in the nearby park. He gave me the honeymoon experience I never thought I'd have. Sincerity was what I'd been after, and that in itself turned out to be the desirable thing I had to offer in return. As I was giving him a blowjob, I asked him to show me what his previous partners had done. He was quiet for a moment before saying "No, keep doing what you're doing".
Exploring the power of threesomes
My first partner asked me to attend a sex party with him. I agreed not because it sounded arousing, but because I wanted to believe I could be that brave. I found the act of stepping into that environment, pretending confidence I didn't feel, to be exhilarating.
Realising that I could be naked and exposed in a room full of strangers yet not feel victimised or violated was psychologically liberating.
I hadn't planned on more than that, but I did eventually agree to a threesome with my partner and another man I'd been chatting with online. I became more relaxed and accepting of friendly observers who gave us genuine smiles of pleasure as they passed by, but when I noticed one man being shifty and creepy in how he chose to discreetly peek, half hidden, around a corner as though he *wasn't* at a sex party, I put a hand on each of my partners to stop them and gave him a cold, hard stare until he scampered off. I realised afterwards that I'd just stared down a strange man while completely naked, rather than shrinking away or trying to hide from his gaze, and I felt tremendous pride in my growing invulnerability.
I asked the second man in our threesome if he'd like to meet me again privately, which we both preferred to our public threesome. He introduced me to the thrill of sincere dirty talk - constantly communicating his lust in groans and whispers - what he was feeling, what he wanted to do to me, what he wanted me to do to him. After stirring me up for a long time, he grabbed a sex toy and told me to communicate back my levels of arousal while he tried various settings and placements.
The newness and vulnerability of what he was doing made it challenging to relax, but after long and dedicated effort on his part I managed to cum. It was the first time I'd ever cum with a partner.