To Build Confidence and Enhance Your Sexual Experiences

“When you can talk about sex openly and honestly, you create a space where both partners feel heard, respected, and valued."
-Sheri Winston

There is so much taboo, shame and stigma around sex that even the thought of a conversation about it may leave you wincing in discomfort. However, becoming comfortable talking about it can play a key part in not just improving your partnered experiences, but solo play too.

In this article, we will be exploring why sex is a difficult topic of conversation for many, how normalising it can improve your love life, and some practical tips for getting started.

Why It’s Difficult to Talk About Sex

Intimacy is so taboo in our culture that even the naked human form can evoke outrage when displayed in public in the form of artworks, such as paintings or sculptures. This has always struck me as bizarre, but it is simply one symptom of a broader cultural taboo.

Below are some examples of some of the reasons clients I have worked with have found it difficult to talk about sex:

 1. Family influences
Our upbringing shapes our relationship with most things in some way. Sexuality may have been celebrated, or shamed, or perhaps it was never mentioned at all outside of your school sex-ed class (Or shall I say '“reproduction” class; I recall mine being all of about one hour in the whole of my 5 years of high school). This will shape your belief system, and as a result, will influence how comfortable you find talking about it.

2. Female sexual shame
It has to be said that sexual shame in our culture is primarily centred around women. Our culture has historically used the sexualisation of women in marketing, but would also like to let you know that women’s bodies and sexuality are not to be celebrated. Women who try to reclaim the narrative, by demonstrating autonomy over their bodies and their sexuality, are demonised, slut shamed, and overall reminded that their desires aren’t welcome.

3. Broken cultural scripts
The censorship of the naked body is a reflection of a culture’s inability to separate nudity from sexuality and instils the belief that the body is something to conceal and to be ashamed of. A culture that is incapable of distinguishing the difference between the naked form and the sexualised body is one not yet mature enough to have open conversations about sex.

4. You think your fantasies are ‘weird’
The reality is, that there is a fantasy out there for pretty much anything you can and cannot think of! I had no idea what sploshing was until earlier this year, and there are new fantasies out there emerging as we speak. The most important question is, does it float your boat?

The Benefits of Learning to Talk About Sex

Normalising conversations about sex can have a profound impact on your experiences, including how you experience solo pleasure and the relationship you have with your body.

Some of the benefits of learning to talk about it include:

1. Validate your experiences
It’s not uncommon to feel as though your experiences or desires aren’t “normal” (whatever that even is). Sharing about your experiences and hearing about those of others can be validating, helping you to feel seen and recognise that you are not alone. This can then encourage you to be more open and share about concerning or problematic experiences, as well as explore your desires.

2. Get the support of your friends
Having a friend, or group of friends, with whom you can have non-judgemental conversations around intimacy can be valuable. I’ve worked with women at the start of their sexuality journey who find it uplifting knowing they can share their explorations and discoveries with friends, hear about their experiences and get encouragement and support for continued exploration.

3. Improve sexual health awareness

Sexual health, especially sexually transmitted infections (STIs), is incredibly stigmatised, and many avoid getting checkups or going to the clinic because they feel too embarrassed. Your sexual health is as important as any other part of your health and well-being, so make becoming comfortable talking about sex a part of your self-care plan.

4. Enhance your sexual experiences
Communication is important in any relationship, and communicating your boundaries with confidence, openly sharing your desires, or discussing your fantasies, deepens your connection with your partner and can enhance intimacy.

How to Get Started Talking About Sex

Now that you have a sense of some of the challenges and benefits of talking about it, I’ve outlined a few pointers below to get you started.

1. Listen to podcasts
A good place to start is to not talk at all, but to listen! Listening to podcasts will help you develop a sense of how others approach talking about sex, and has the added bonus of expanding your overall education and awareness on the subject at the same time.

2. Speak with your friends
It’s incredibly valuable to find a friend or group of friends with whom you can have open, non-judgemental conversations, and you may be surprised at what you discover! I had a client who struggled to get started until one day her friend mentioned something that related to her own experience and now they never stop talking about it!

3. Join a sex-positive community

Finding a community of like-minded individuals can greatly contribute to building your confidence and comfort with the subject of sex in general. Plus - another added bonus - it’s a perfect opportunity to form connections and make new friends with people you can have open conversations about it with!

4. Speak with your partner
Sharing about your boundaries and desires can feel quite challenging, as fears of rejection, awkwardness or shame can come up. The first step is talking about the fact that you want to talk about it! Be open with them about your desire to carve out time for conversation where you can both speak and be heard without judgement, and see this as an opportunity for connection.

Conclusion

Sex should be a subject that our society is capable of discussing openly and maturely, but sadly that isn’t the case. Beyond cultural stigma, there are a variety of issues that underpin why sex is a difficult subject to talk about for many, but there is no doubt that overcoming these challenges can enhance your connections and sexual experiences, as well as your relationship with your body and your sexuality.