Managing Anxiety

“Safety is not external, it’s an internal response to perceiving non-threat.” -Louis Mojica

The best method for learning to better manage anxiety, as is the case when learning any new skill, is a multi-faceted approach utilising a variety of tools, techniques and resources.

Whether you're seeking to manage your anxiety in everyday life or specifically in intimate situations, in Part II: Managing Anxiety I'll introduce you to a selection of them.

Developing an Anxiety Profile

As we discussed in Part I: Understanding Anxiety, developing an understanding of your personal relationship with anxiety and its causes and effects, will provide a useful jumping block from which to develop the skills for managing it. I have supported many clients dealing with anxiety at Pleasure Map and have witnessed what an empowering process this can be.

To begin developing an anxiety profile, I invite you to ask yourself a series of questions, using the following to get you started:

What is the root cause of my anxiety?
What are my symptoms?
What are my triggers?
How do I react?
What resources can I utilise for support?

Reframing

If we consider, as we learned in Part I: Understanding Anxiety, that anxiety is a normal response to a perceived threat, then being triggered to such a perceived threat is the sign of a functioning nervous system trying to protect you. So, before we continue, show yourself, and your amazing nervous system, some love!

If you have a hyper vigilant nervous system and anxiety is causing persistent issues in your life, it isn’t so much the anxiety that is the problem as opposed to the context that underpins your triggers.

This is why the tools I use at Pleasure Map are centred around helping you to regulate your nervous system, so you can return to a felt sense of safety, relaxation, and a place more conducive to the manifestation of pleasure.

Breathing Exercises

It’s probably safe to assume that if you’re reading this you already have a pretty good grasp of how to breath, but are you aware that conscious breathing - in the form of breathing exercises - has scientifically proven health benefit? Studies have shown that breathing exercises activate the relaxation response, promote a sense of calmness, and help regulate stress hormones, leading to anxiety reduction.

Next time you feel anxious, try the Box Breath: breathe in for a count of 4, then out for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, then hold for a count of 4. Repeat until you feel your anxiety has dissipated or reduce to a more comfortable level.

This could also be a great opportunity to practice some reframing: Remind yourself that you’re safe and thank your nervous system for protecting you!

Seeking Professional Help

It's important to remember that seeking professional help is always a viable option. Mental health professionals, such as therapists or counsellors, can provide guidance, support, and treatments tailored to your specific needs.

As I discussed earlier, developing a better understanding of your personal experience with anxiety will help you gain valuable insight into your relationship with it, and you might find that utilising the expertise of a medical professional is a valuable part of that process.

Anxiety and Intimacy

When it comes to intimacy, anxiety can be triggered even in anticipation of sexual contact. There is a lot to take into consideration both for helping to prepare you for potentially intimate situations, and for managing your anxiety. Below are a few important considerations"

1. Communication

Encourage open and honest communication with your partner about anxiety. Let them know your concerns, triggers, and preferences. If you don’t yet understand your anxiety profile, learning about it together could be a good way to deepen your connection.

2. Slowing down

When things are moving too fast it’s easy to be triggered and for the situation to become overwhelming, so it’s important to find the right speed for you. There’s no rule book here, other than to find a pace which enables you to feel safe and in control, and better able to drop into a state of relaxation, presence of mind, and to be in the moment with your partner.

3. Setting boundaries

An important aspect of the self-care and safety process for managing anxiety is setting boundaries, so effectively expressing your needs and preferences is crucial. It’s not uncommon to just go along with what somebody else wants, feeling as though doing so is easier than dealing with the discomfort that might come with having to choose. However, as one of my own coaches once said to me: “If you have difficulty asking for what you want, then learning to be confident in our no is a good place to start.”

Expressing your wants and desires can be vulnerable, and as a result, anxiety inducing. It therefore cannot be overstated that boundary setting is often a skill that requires practice. (This is not to be ignorant of any circumstances where your boundaries have been ignored, or where saying ‘no’ puts you in danger, which is beyond the scope of this series).

Learning to develop and implement boundaries is one of the skills I support clients with at Pleasure Map, and in some cases has been the primary driver behind them contacting me.

Make It R.A.I.N

R.A.I.N is one of the simplest yet most effective tools I learned on my training with the School of Conscious Touch. R.A.I.N is an acronym that stands for Recognise, Accept, Inquire, Nurture. This exercise has proved very successful with my Pleasure Map clients, so I Invite you to explore it next time you feel anxious.

You may also find it useful to run an internal dialogue as you go through the exercise. I’ve included an example with the outline of the exercise below.

R – ecognise

Recognise that a trigger has happened.

“Okay, something is off, and my body is responding. There’s a tension in my chest."

A – ccept

Accept that you are anxious. There’s no need to rush to try to change it just yet.

“I’m triggered, but that’s okay. My nervous system is responding to a perceived threat, and it’s trying to protect me. Thank you nervous system!”

I – nquire

Inquire into the specifics.

“Why am I triggered, and what triggered me? What about the context changed? What shifted my nervous system from a relaxed state to an alert state?”

N – urture

Nurture your anxiety to regulate your nervous system.

As discussed earlier, breathing exercises are a very effective tool for alleviating anxiety. Try combining the box breath we learnt earlier with a visualisation: With every inhale, imagine you're drawing the breath towards any tension in your body, then releasing some of that tension every time you exhale. Keep going until the tension has soften, your anxiety has lessened, and you feel more relaxed.


In Part III: Getting Started with Pleasure Map, you’ll get a glimpse at the Pleasure Map approach and how the process is designed to ensure you feel safe and supported from the very beginning.

Disclaimer: This blog is designed to be an informative guide and should not be taken as medical advice.