What it Means and Why it’s Harder Than it Sounds

“The temptation can be to mold yourself to fit in - don’t."
-Jamie Kern Lima

Human beings have an implicit desire to belong, and the fear of rejection leads to the shaping of identities incongruent with our innate truth. Authenticity is about showing up as who we are, not who others want us to be, and uncovering exactly who that is is an ongoing process of self-exploration.

The saying goes You can only show up for others as much as you show up for yourself, which means that the better you take care of yourself the better placed you will be to do the same for others. I consider there to be a parallel to this: you can only be authentic insomuch as you know yourself. If being authentic is about showing up as our true selves, then our capacity for authenticity is inherently limited by the upper limits of our self-awareness, along with external influences.

What It Means to be Truly Authentic

At the core, authenticity is about integrity and congruence, and below I’ve outlined a few of the important factors that underpin authenticity.

There are many facets to being truly authentic, and some of them include:

1. Being honest with yourself

We are all guilty of making excuses sometimes as to why we can’t do something, and if we’re honest with ourselves it’s not always that the task at hand is beyond us. A light shower, for example, isn’t the real barrier preventing you from going for that jog. The art is to be honest with yourself because it is from this place that you can begin to unpack what it is that’s getting in your way.

2. Understanding yourself

It’s hard to be truly authentic if you don’t know who you are, and I’d say that most people go through life without proactively exercising this kind of self-exploration. Have you ever taken a moment to reflect on what underpins your belief system? What are your limiting beliefs, and what gets in your way when you feel you can’t do something? What are your skills and limitations? What underpins your thought processes and your behaviours?

3. Recognising when your behaviour is out of alignment

If, for example, you desire to unlock a more wholesome relationship with your body and sexuality, rushing to orgasm every time you masturbate won’t support you on the path to the realisation of this desire. Developing an awareness of your habits and how they serve you is an invaluable tool for impacting behaviour change.

4. Recognising and valuing your self-worth

It’s important to recognise that self-worth and self-confidence are not the same. Self-worth is innate, your inherent value, whilst self-confidence is influenced by external factors, such as peer validation. You can have one without the other, but learning to recognise and value your self-worth is paramount over self-confidence.

If you want to dive deeper and learn more about self-worth, I’d highly recommend the book Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima.

Why It’s Difficult to Be Truly Authentic

Authenticity isn’t just about knowing who you are, it’s about learning to live it. However, this is easier said than done, and many barriers might get in the way of you being truly authentic. Below are some examples:

1. It’s confronting

To become truly authentic, we must uncover and address the limiting beliefs that block the path to fulfilment, whether this is not feeling good enough (I’ve been there!), the fear of failure, or any number of possibilities. Overcoming these roadblocks requires time, patience and the commitment to keep showing up for yourself.

2. You fear being judged

The fear of being judged is the fear of not being accepted for who you are. I think a common example of this, that I can speak to personally, is dancing! I love a boogie but find myself physically mute when with strangers, mustering a murmur in the form of some arm and leg movement. This does eventually pass, but sometimes I wish I could just go wild straight away! (It was much easier when alcohol was party lube).

3. You don’t know who you are

Getting to know yourself is the whole purpose of self-exploration. Everybody has some idea of who they are, but how much of who you truly are is hidden away, even from yourself? How does your personal history shape your identity? Taking the time to understand your mind and what influences your behaviour is like carrying around a chest filled with gold all of your life and then discovering the key to unlock it (a key that you had on your person the whole time, by the way).

4. It takes work

You may be reading this article and had a sinking feeling, or perhaps feel overwhelmed, that this sounds like a lot of hard work. Perhaps you’re caught in a cycle of distraction, procrastination and avoidance. If so, know that I feel you! I have had (and still do in some areas) barriers that look just like this, and have dealt with overwhelm (and still do sometimes), and limiting beliefs that tell me I can’t do it. My advice - START SMALL, AND BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. I have learned and grown a lot simply by starting small and building on the resulting success.

Conclusion

it can be easy to mould ourselves to avoid rejection and feeling as though we don’t belong, but true fulfilment is built on a foundation of authenticity, and our capacity to show up as who we are. It takes time, commitment and patience, but the ongoing journey of self-exploration and discovery will add value to your life like nothing else can.